In today's fast-paced digital dating world, where swiping through endless profiles is the norm, a subtle but emotionally damaging trend known as cookie jarring is leaving many heartbroken. While it might sound harmless — even sweet — this term hides a manipulative dating habit that experts warn can lead to trust issues and emotional exhaustion.
What Is ‘Cookie Jarring’?
The concept of cookie jarring refers to someone who dates multiple people simultaneously, not because they’re open to polyamory or exploring options honestly, but because they want to keep backups in case their primary romantic interest doesn’t work out. Essentially, the “cookie jar” is a collection of romantic possibilities a person dips into for attention, validation, or security — without committing to any of them seriously.
According to Forbes, the term is derived from the idea that just like someone might reach for a cookie when they’re feeling low, a cookie jarrer turns to someone in their dating pool for comfort or reassurance when things aren’t going smoothly elsewhere.
Hard to Detect, But Harmful
The deceptive nature of cookie jarring is what makes it so troubling. The person engaging in it might not even fully realise what they're doing, as dating expert Eugénie Legendre told Metro. They may act from a place of insecurity — seeking constant reassurance through multiple connections. But the fallout for the person being “jarred” can be serious, leading to feelings of confusion, inadequacy, and emotional fatigue.
Legendre explained that those affected often find themselves questioning their relationship status or waiting for clarity from someone who never intends to provide it. This uncertainty, she said, becomes draining over time.
Key Signs You Might Be Getting ‘Jarred’
Spotting cookie jarring behavior isn’t always straightforward, but several red flags can help identify it. Some indicators include:
This behavior is often tied to another toxic pattern called pocketing, where a person intentionally hides their partner from their social circle and online presence. Amanda E. White, a licensed counselor, told Women’s Health that pocketing may stem from fear or unresolved trauma from past relationships. It doesn’t always signal bad intentions, but it still damages trust.
As per the NY Post, psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael added that in some cases, people might avoid clear communication because they’re unsure about their own feelings or fear jeopardising a fragile new connection.
When to Walk Away
While not every person who delays commitment is a cookie jarrer, if their actions leave you feeling uncertain, undervalued, or emotionally depleted, it may be time to reassess the relationship. Legendre advises that if your gut tells you something isn’t right — and conversations about exclusivity don’t bring clarity — it’s better to move on rather than linger in ambiguity.
In a dating culture increasingly shaped by digital convenience, trends like cookie jarring are becoming harder to detect but no less damaging. Recognising the signs early and setting clear boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being and lead you toward healthier connections.
What Is ‘Cookie Jarring’?
The concept of cookie jarring refers to someone who dates multiple people simultaneously, not because they’re open to polyamory or exploring options honestly, but because they want to keep backups in case their primary romantic interest doesn’t work out. Essentially, the “cookie jar” is a collection of romantic possibilities a person dips into for attention, validation, or security — without committing to any of them seriously.
According to Forbes, the term is derived from the idea that just like someone might reach for a cookie when they’re feeling low, a cookie jarrer turns to someone in their dating pool for comfort or reassurance when things aren’t going smoothly elsewhere.
Hard to Detect, But Harmful
The deceptive nature of cookie jarring is what makes it so troubling. The person engaging in it might not even fully realise what they're doing, as dating expert Eugénie Legendre told Metro. They may act from a place of insecurity — seeking constant reassurance through multiple connections. But the fallout for the person being “jarred” can be serious, leading to feelings of confusion, inadequacy, and emotional fatigue.
Legendre explained that those affected often find themselves questioning their relationship status or waiting for clarity from someone who never intends to provide it. This uncertainty, she said, becomes draining over time.
Key Signs You Might Be Getting ‘Jarred’
Spotting cookie jarring behavior isn’t always straightforward, but several red flags can help identify it. Some indicators include:
- One of the most telling signs is a partner who is vague or non-committal about the relationship.
- They rarely initiate plans or show genuine interest in progressing the relationship.
- Communication feels one-sided, with delayed responses or lack of enthusiasm.
- You’ve never met their friends or family, nor are you acknowledged on social media.
- Despite spending time together, you remain unsure whether you’re exclusive.
This behavior is often tied to another toxic pattern called pocketing, where a person intentionally hides their partner from their social circle and online presence. Amanda E. White, a licensed counselor, told Women’s Health that pocketing may stem from fear or unresolved trauma from past relationships. It doesn’t always signal bad intentions, but it still damages trust.
As per the NY Post, psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael added that in some cases, people might avoid clear communication because they’re unsure about their own feelings or fear jeopardising a fragile new connection.
When to Walk Away
While not every person who delays commitment is a cookie jarrer, if their actions leave you feeling uncertain, undervalued, or emotionally depleted, it may be time to reassess the relationship. Legendre advises that if your gut tells you something isn’t right — and conversations about exclusivity don’t bring clarity — it’s better to move on rather than linger in ambiguity.
In a dating culture increasingly shaped by digital convenience, trends like cookie jarring are becoming harder to detect but no less damaging. Recognising the signs early and setting clear boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being and lead you toward healthier connections.
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